How to Have Great Sex (and Why You Should)
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Here at Nourishing Joy, we're all about finding ways to nourish the family so that our families are healthy, joy-filled, and able to serve and bless the people around us.
Often we talk about the little, practical ways to do that, like making our own cleaners (e.g. homemade bleach and DIY non-toxic kitchen cleanser), cooking nourishing meals (our latest favorite is slow cooker pork vindaloo), healing our children naturally (slipping medicine to them in our homemade gummy vitamins is a parent-favorite), and looking for ways to serve others (say, by welcoming travelers into your home). We also strive to make our homes non-toxic (homemade crayons, anyone?), teach our children diligently, and question what we're taught about health.
But seriously, we can't talk about nourishing the family without talking about sex. It's at the heart of the family's health, even though it doesn't always make its way into everyday conversation. After all, when a sexual relationship isn't healthy between a husband and a wife, the residue of that ill health pervades every other aspect of family life. (And conversely, if we are to heal broken or stressed parts of a marriage, often we can use sex as a tool of healing, love, and reconciliation.)
So let's “take the covers off” this most intimate topic without shame.
I love Tim Challies‘ description of the role of sex in marriage:
“From an evolutionary perspective sex is little more than a means of spreading genes, of ensuring survival from one generation to the next. From a pornographic perspective, the meaning of sex is physical gratification so that a person’s worth extends no farther than her (or his) ability to satisfy another person’s cravings. From a romantic comedy perspective, sex is a component of an exploratory phase of a relationship and one that precedes expressions of love and loyalty. These are ubiquitous, powerful messages that compete with truth.
A Christian perspective on sex could hardly stand in sharper contrast. There we see that sex belongs to marriage and that marriage has been created by God for a very specific purpose. Before it is anything else, marriage is a picture, a metaphor, of the relationship of Christ and his church. Within that picture, that representation of Christ and his church, we have sex. Sex is a necessary component of marriage so that a couple desiring to live in obedience to the Bible will regularly have sex together (see 1 Corinthians 7:1-5).”
Now the problem is that nearly every couple I've spoken with about this topic has at some point in their marriage dealt with the hurdles to healthy sexual interaction. For some it's merely awkwardness (usually in the early days), for some it's vastly different desires on the parts of each partner, and for some other emotional baggage gets in the way and causes one partner to be frigid, angry, or controlling.
But herein lies the crux: there is no other place in the home or in the marriage relationship where we are so vulnerable. So if there are emotional wounds, they'll show up in the marriage bed. If there are pompous attitudes or selfish desires, they'll be revealed there. If there are grudges, you can bet your sweet bippy they'll show up too. It is in the sexual relationship that we are most naked, vulnerable, revealed – emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
And therefore this is where we most genuinely ask, “Will you accept me the way I am – the beautiful parts, the broken parts, the hurting parts?” “Will you take joy in me? Will you take pleasure in me? Will you delight in me?”
I'm a firm believer that the sexual relationship is where every human emotion shows up – joy, boredom, shame, delight – it all shows up. And while climax is certainly quite enjoyable, it's the utter joy of being body-to-body, soul-to-soul that leaves us most satisfied. This makes sense – when the sexual/spiritual relationship we are given as husbands and wives is given to us to mirror the relationship between Christ and his bride, the Church, it only makes sense that everything about being human and about communing in our spirits would be tied up in this holy relationship.
So, we're left with the question – how do we nurture the best in our sexual relationships? How do we nourish joy in this incredibly intimate place?
Well, here are a few books that can help tremendously. Some are just plain fun (because sometimes we just need to laugh and play together), some are to promote emotional healing, and some are to encourage a new journey together. May God bless you richly.
Sex Books You'll Love
31 Days to Great Sex – this absolutely delightful e-book will meet you where you are and take you to delightful new places. You can find it in this week as part of the steal-of-a-deal Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle or you can find it at the author's website.
The Kama Sutra – yes, this is based in ancient Hindu teachings, but there is no other guide that comes close to helping couples find what works for them, physically. This is especially helpful if one person is in a wheelchair or one partner is very heavy or the two partners are vastly different heights. Each partnership will have its specific physical needs and capabilities and sometimes trying something new can spark a new-found joy that can crack open needed vulnerabilities and help heal deep wounds. You can choose from the classic version or the modern version.
Loving Sex – Dr. Berman is one of the foremost sex experts in America today and she is rightfully widely respected for her work. This volume is both practical and inspirational for both partners.
Passionate Marriage – This is a groundbreaking work that has revolutionized and rekindled several marriages I know of personally. It is focused on the more mature audience (age-wise!) and helps kindle true, thoughtful intimacy in every gesture, both in and out of the bedroom.
Position of the Day Handbook – This is published by the editors of Nerve.com, who have never been known for their demure nature. This little book features anatomically correct pencil drawings to inspire you with one new position each day, offering everything from the same-old, same-old to bring-me-a-tightrope, I'm-an-acrobat style efforts.
Are there other sex and intimacy books that have influenced you in your relationship or that you would recommend? Please share them in the comments!
Love that you are addressing this important topic.
Any books or recommendations for pregnancy? Those last few months of pregnancy can be brutal to sexual intimacy!
Several other commenters have left great suggestions below!
Another great book that is very helpful is “And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment” by Laura Brotherson.
Such a touchy subject for me right now… after recently having had baby #2, I don’t want to get pregnant again (right away). Though I’m exclusively nursing… there is a little niggle in my mind that is paranoid about getting pregnant again. My husband doesn’t believe in any form of BC – besides abstinence – so lets just say it’s been a long while for us. Truly sad. 🙁 I look forward to checking out some of these resources. Thank you for posting about this topic.
Get the book ‘Taking Charge of Your Fertility’ by Toni Weschler. It teaches you how to track your fertility. You can use it for getting pregnant AND avoiding it. My husband and I have used the information for several years now to not get pregnant. There is great info in there also for just understanding your body and what is going on. This is not the Rhythm Method, this works.
Ditto what Nick Dawn said. I LOVE Taking Charge of Your Fertility! I would recommend it to anyone.
I love Tim Challies, and I love that quote! Great post! I will share this on my FB page.
@that mama- try “The Mother’s Guide to Sex” also “the pregnant couple’s guide to sex, romance and intimacy”. Those helped us. For general advice “married man sex life” is amazing!
“Holy Sex!” by Gregory Popczak is a really good one. I’ve only skipped to the “good parts” so far, haha, but from just skimming the rest I can guarantee that it’s great.
Also, any Natural Family Planning guides from the Couple to Couple League will have great resources on avoiding pregnancy without eliminating your sex life.
The title of your post is a bit misleading as you don’t really say how to have great sex, just list some books on the subject. 🙂 I’m honestly scared to read a book on sex b/c I think we have it pretty good in our marriage and I don’t need to find out if we’re missing something. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, kind of thing. 🙂
That’s wonderful! May it be that way for years to come. 🙂
As for the title, you’re right – I don’t cover “how” to physically have great sex, but I wanted to touch on “how” to have great sex in a much more holistic sense, which depends entirely on the level of vulnerability you share and entrust to each other. The physical will follow! Thus, I’ve provided a *list* of books, as different books will apply to different people. So, yes, I am a bit ambiguous in this article, but merely because there’s no way to speak specifics to a general group of people and I want to inspire all of us to better and greater intimacy with our spouses, even for those of us who feel richly blessed and where there’s nothing to “fix.” 🙂
Thanks for a great comment.
Great post!
“Holy Sex,” hand down, is THE best sex book I have ever read. Even though it is a Catholic book, I would recommend it to anyone. It is fantastic and beautiful.
You forgot to mention the most important purpose to having sex. To bring forth children and to raise them in his holy name. With out the children, it is just physical lust.
So, what would you say to couples who long for children and pray fervently but are barren? Is their sex nothing but lust?
And for the couple that makes love every night, they certainly don’t bear children every time they come together. Is their longing for each other lust?
What about the couple whose children have grown and left home or once the wife has hit menopause? Should they stop making love?
Children are indeed a blessing from the Lord and raising them uprightly is a precious gift. But sex does play other very important roles within a marriage (whether they’re *more* important, as you stated, is up for debate) and those roles shouldn’t be ignored.
Thanks for this reply! We are one of those couples that love sex & can’t have our own children & I would def not say it’s lust!
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There is a difference between sex and making love. Below is video where Barry Long speaks about the errors we make which produce sexual unhappiness – what men do wrong in making love and why women readily become emotional.afterwards.
Love your website and all your recipes!